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The Shortcomings of Women’s Intuition

August 18, 2010

When I was a teenager and hanging out at my friend’s house, I could always tell when it was my mom calling their house (this was before cell phones were stuck to everyone’s person). The phone would ring, and I just had this feeling when it was her. I’ve also had a similar intuition about friends being pregnant or about upcoming bad news. I’m sure this intuition is even stronger in moms, so if I ever have children, who knows how these powers will manifest themselves. I’m hoping it will result in the ability to tell when they’re going to be out late so I can revel in their absence and watch such scandalous things as four hours of Emma uninterrupted. I’m an animal, I know.

But this whole women’s intuition thing is actually a little disappointing. Why can’t it be used for bigger things? Here are a few ways it would be greatly improved:

  • Lottery numbers: How many times have you wanted to be able to concentrate and just know the correct lottery numbers. Powerball jackpot? Yes, thank you, I’ll take that off your hands and go buy a lifetime supply of beef jerky.
  • The fastest line at Michaels: I guess this could extend to any store, but I get stuck in the slow line at Michaels Arts and Crafts more than anywhere else. I go in the store and no one is in line. I check out and suddenly all 684 customers have decided it’s time for them to leave as well.
  • Menu selection: I’ll try any new food as long as I’m not paying. But if I’m shelling out the dough, I tend to go for things I know I’ll like. Nothing is more disappointing than trying something new, not liking it, and then wishing you’d just stuck with the lasagna. But if women’s intuition were a little more helpful, then you’d know that the tilapia is amazing and worth the leap of faith.
  • Movie selection: The people who make movie trailers are liars and manipulators. But I love them. (Movie trailers that is.) But I hate when I see a trailer and think “Self, that will be fun and an escape from reality that will make you laugh like a hyena on nitrous oxide!” Then you watch Youth in Revolt and are filled with the desire to poke a pencil up your nose in the off chance you hit the part of your brain where the memory of that awkward and unfunny monstrosity is stored. But if women’s intuition were there to help out, you’d pick something like Whip It instead of Youth in Revolt. Problem solved.
  • Perfect timing: I have the tendency to overestimate the amount of time it takes to get somewhere. So even if I plan on being “fashionably late” to something, I inevitably end up being awkwardly early. So it would be great if I could know exactly when to leave so I’d be on time to or fashionably late to the functions where that’s appropriate. Notice how I add “where that’s appropriate”? Because making other people wait for your late self is never appropriate. But I digress.

So what else would you like to have an intuition for?

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