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Re: A Facebook Message and the Police

September 3, 2010

From: Facebook
Subject: — sent you a message on Facebook

I spent a large part of tonight with the police in a parking lot. That’s all I’ll say. You come up with the story and I’ll tell you if you’re right.

To: —
Subject: Police

You’re driving home after a long day at work, tired from meetings with people who don’t understand why Comic Sans isn’t an acceptable font for a counseling group for recovering pain med addicts. You pull into your apartment complex and there it is: The new neighbor who insists on backing into his spot EVERY SINGLE TIME. He has just begun the process of backing in and you’re stuck waiting for him to finish. After his fourth attempt to maneuver his over-priced BMW into its space, you lose it. Everything around you turns white from rage and the only thing you can make out is the black outline of his car. You grab the first thing you can find and climb out of your car, ready to teach this backer-upper a lesson in parking etiquette with the help of your swift-action Totes umbrella.

Weapon in hand, you approach his car and begin your assault on the silver paint and tinted windows. You’re hitting everything you can reach as the neighbor scrambles out of his car, screaming for you to come to your senses. Suddenly, you both realize that in your haste to exact revenge, you forgot to put your car in park. Holding your battered and misshapen umbrella high in the air, you both look over to see the always-reliable Chevy rolling toward his BMW like a very slow bat out of hell. Nothing can be done because in your haste, you also left the keys in the ignition and the doors are all locked. All that is left to do is wait for it to come to a stop in the side of Backer Upper’s BMW. Backer Upper has already begun calling the cops, only to learn that your other neighbors have already alerted the authorities. Now it’s no longer just the LED bright lights of the BMW filling the parking lot, but flashing blue lights have joined them and you are left wondering if the police department has ever thought of changing the font on their patrol cars to something more whimsical, like Pristina.

The real story: — was passing by her gym’s parking lot and saw a friend with a bunch of cops. After turning around to see if her friend was okay, she learned that someone had gone through her friend’s gym bag and then used the keys to go through her car. She spent the night at —‘s and will now be changing her locks and taking care of the $3,000 they’ve already charged on her cards.

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