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Twitter Schmitter: The 6 Types of Users

October 14, 2010

Of the three people who read this blog*, I’m not sure how many even have a Twitter account. I know a lot of people think Twitter is just another way to be narcissistic, but how else am I supposed to know what Ashton and Demi are up to if I don’t follow them on Twitter?

I was going through the list of people I follow, weeding out the ones I no longer care about, and I started thinking about the different reasons why people use Twitter. Here are my results of the different types of Twitter users:

-The auto-follow marketer: This is the person who has a blog or a business and they use Twitter to pimp their endeavor. One of the tell-tale signs that a person is a marketer is that they auto-follow everyone. Let’s say they’ve just started a freeze-dried oyster business. If you say anything about an oyster in one of your tweets, they use a tracking system to see it and automatically follow your feed. Their hope is that you’ll follow them in return and help make freeze-dried oysters the nation’s favorite after school snack.

-The leech marketer: These are the tweeters who see that you both follow someone, so they begin following you. For example, say you both follow our country’s greatest magician and/or illusionist David Copperfield**. They begin following you, thinking you’ll write about magic and illusions and disappearing monuments. Once they realize you do none of the above, they drop you like it’s hot, hot, hot. This happens to me a lot when fellow Christians realize I use my Twitter to deliver 140 characters of nonsense, and not to retweet Mark Driscoll quotes.

-The “real” celebrity: Most celebrities follow one person for every 2,000 followers they have. They are fully aware that people are there to stalk them, not the other way around, and forgo even the appearance that they care about what you say (unlike the marketers). Personally, I think it’s annoying when someone doesn’t follow anyone at all. It’s like those people who only talk about themselves and never ask how you’re doing***.

-The “small-time” celebrity: These are usually bloggers who are somewhat well-known among their target demographic. But they will follow almost anyone who follows them. Here’s my beef with this: I know you don’t actually read my tweets unless I say something nice or something mean about you. Then you just retweet that for your own benefit. I know you employ the use of Twitter lists, so you can just read other small-time celebrities. Stop pretending unless you’re actually going to read my tweets, because you’re missing the opportunity to revel in my narcissistic ramblings.

-Just here for the party: This is the majority of Twitter users. They’re just your average Joe, wanting to stalk their favorite celebrities or bloggers, and needing an outlet for their everyday thoughts. A lot of these users post quotes or tell you what they’re doing at any given time. Sure, they may not blow your mind with their insight or creativity. And yes, a lot of them waste space by telling me they’re the mayor of Starbucks or Kinko’s, but I don’t really mind. We all like to believe someone cares enough to follow our wanderings and thoughts.****

-The comedian: These twitter users are usually making fun of another person or thing. They are mocking celebrities like 50cent, or make up a fake account pretending to be a TV or movie character. Or maybe they just deliver hilarious one-liners that have absolutely nothing to do with anything. These are my favorite users. Because I’ll be honest, I’m here for the giggles.

*I think just about every blogger has used this line at one time or another, hoping people will come out of the woodwork to say that more than three people read their blog. It’s a cry for help, a cry for validation. But I just counted the number of people who I know really do read the blog and came up with three.
**Whatever happened to good ol’ David Copperfield? Has someone checked on him lately to make sure he’s not trapped under one of his disappearing illusions?
***By the way, how are you guys? Read any good books recently? Did you see NCIS this week? When are Tony and Ziva going to get together?!
****These asterisks are getting just ridiculous.

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. Schniff Schnaff Shalomie permalink
    October 14, 2010 1:56 pm

    #2 here. No, I don’t “twitter”. I’ve read a lot of books this year, but none is standing out for me to mention here.* Also, David Copperfield is gambling:
    10/14/10
    Hollywood Theatre- MGM Grand
    TIME: 7:30, 10:00
    LOCATION: Las Vegas, NV
    ADDRESS: 3799 Las Vegas Blvd., Las Vegas, NV 89109
    PHONE: 702-891-1111
    WEBSITE: http://www.mgmgrand.com/

    *I am a fan of the asterisks, though I admit multiple ones break the flow of my reading too much. Like when you’re doing research for a college paper, and you keep having to stop mid-thought to see what the author needed to add. Truth be told, though, I loaded my papers with the little guys.

    • dtdorrin permalink*
      October 14, 2010 9:10 pm

      Totally agree on asterisks breaking up the flow. And the next time I’m in Vegas I’ll make sure to see David Copperfield. Such a relief to know he hasn’t disappeared.

  2. Lindsay permalink
    October 14, 2010 3:32 pm

    First time reader here… I may have bumped you up to number 4!! 🙂

    • dtdorrin permalink*
      October 14, 2010 9:07 pm

      Thanks! My next goal is to make it to the nice, round number of 10. 🙂

  3. October 14, 2010 7:03 pm

    as your pen pal, i always read your blog, i just usually forget to comment.

  4. October 19, 2010 1:26 pm

    Loved this post. How very true.

    Also, any advice on finding investors for my freeze-dried oysters business? You seem knowledgeable on the topic.

    • dtdorrin permalink*
      October 19, 2010 3:08 pm

      Everything I know about running a business I learned from Michael Scott. So my advice is look for investors who know even less about business than you. Now that’s a formula for success.

  5. October 19, 2010 7:05 pm

    Everything you said on here feels right.

    It makes me want to just want to push my hands into a bowl of warm cornbread.

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