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Why I’m a Bad Sports Fan

October 26, 2010

When I was 16 I decided I wanted to learn more about football because it is by far the most interesting sport. I find other sports to only be interesting at the game, and even then it’s usually because of the food served at the event. I live in North Carolina, so the logical choice would seem to be that I root for the Panthers. But pulling for the Panthers would be like buying a car from a complete stranger in a Kmart parking lot. Just when you get attached to the car, it stops working. And then it starts again, just long enough to make you think it’s still good, and then dies completely. Every once in a while, the Panthers come out of nowhere and win big, but then they turn around and throw away a game like it’s a used diaper.

Anyway, I chose the Green Bay Packers for a variety of reasons and I’ve never looked back. But I’ll admit that I am not the best kind of fan. I know a lot of people who would scoff at what I call being a fan. Here’s why:

1. Sympathy: I like when any team I’m rooting for wins. But not by too much. When I see one team tear apart another like they’re playing a college intramural team, I cringe and begin to feel sorry for the losers. Even during Sunday night’s game between the Packers and our rival the Vikings, I started to feel sorry for Diva Brett Favre when he threw three interceptions in the span of about 45 seconds (but I got over it quickly). Whenever a team is getting slaughtered, I want to bake them a cake and tell them it will be okay over a cup of warm tea.

2. Illogical Choices: I like Jimmy Clausen because ESPN showed him sitting alone in his house, looking disappointed after he wasn’t chosen as soon as everyone expected in the NFL draft. I like Steve Nash because he seems like a really great guy off the court. I will always like Armando Galarraga because of the class he showed after the no-hitter debacle. I don’t choose who I like or dislike based on their ability to play—I choose based on how nice they are or whether they can pull on my heartstrings.

3. Short memory: I remember a few key things about past seasons—like when Favre threw an interception in his last game and last play as a Packer. But the majority of my memory is reserved for things such as which movie is Christian Bale’s best (answer: Newsies). I am horrible at remembering players other than the most famous or even the names of head coaches. It seems like the majority of sports fans are able to remember the entire lineup of their favorite team for the past 20 years (at least).

4. Judging a Book by its Cover: I think the Miami Dolphins have the absolute stupidest logo in the world. It’s a dolphin. Wearing a helmet. Also: turquoise and orange? Ew. And let’s talk about the Raiders. Maybe it’s because I always strive to give the appearance of friendliness and kindness, but I just want to punch those fans in the face. They try so hard to look mean and intimidating, which might work if their logo didn’t look like someone put a helmet on a Ken doll. All of this to say: How silly, stupid or mean your team and its fans look will play a determining factor in how I view your team. Also: Wearing a cheese head is not silly or stupid looking, in case you were wondering.

I really enjoy sports and usually watch Sportscenter a little each day because I’d rather watch that than local news. I don’t live or die by how well my favorite teams do (example: I’m still breathing after the Phillies lost this weekend). I can speak intelligently about sports and really enjoy watching them, but word to the wise: don’t ask me if I became a fan of the Packers because Brett Favre is cute. I cannot be held responsible for my actions if you do so.

Anyone else out there have irrational likes/dislikes when it comes to sports? And yes, choosing to be a Denver Broncos fan just because Tim Tebow plays for them counts as irrational.

 

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