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An Open Letter to California

November 2, 2010

Dear California,

Actually, this letter is addressed to your tourism department. The rest of you can carry on, living your lives of perfection, since that is apparently what your tourism department believes about your state. Everyone in California is gloriously happy and beautiful and visiting your state to see all of this perfection will make me happy too. Let me offer you a little advice: nobody likes that kid in class.

You know the one—he always gets the newest toys first and eats Lunchables* every single day. Later in life he’ll become the guy who always one-ups another person’s story. “Oh, you went para-sailing, huh? Well just last weekend I went on a shark hunt with Bear Grylls and punched a hammerhead right in the face.” Nobody likes that guy.

I know that your commercials are supposed to make me want to visit California, so some bragging is allowed, but there is a line. We get it—a lot of famous people call California home. Your governor is Arnold Schwarzenegger for crying out loud. And yes, you have areas of your state that are in a perpetual state of summer, and there are lots of beaches and mountains and Disney Land. But why can’t you just throw up a video of hot air balloons like every other state and call it a day? It’s not like people forget about California and are unaware that you have something for everyone. It’s like you’re just rubbing it in every other state’s face.

Let’s talk a little more about all those celebrities in your commercials. If you insist on bragging about every B-list celebrity living in California, then you should at least guarantee that if I come visit, I get to see some. Hire some famous people to walk around your airports, ready and willing to let me take a picture with them. And they had better like it.

Yours most sincerely,

See the offensive ad here:

*Maybe this was just at my school, but Lunchables were the stuff back in the day. My very own individual pizza for lunch? Yes, please.

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