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The Future Definition

November 11, 2010

I don’t usually post stuff like this, but I guess that people often read blogs to learn more about the author and this is definitely a post all about me. So if you come here just for my sarcasm, you might want to skip this entry. If you come here to learn about what’s going on in my head, then read away. But I’m posting this at midnight because I figure most people are in the first group.

It has been 18 months since I was laid off from my full time job. I’ve moved three times since then and lived in two different states. I’ve applied for and been rejected by approximately 4,398 jobs. I’ve learned the difference between friends of convenience and friends who will stick by you from two states away. I’ve been excited about the future and pissed off about the past. I’ve been worried about the future and relieved about the past. No less than 400 times have I been tempted to write an over-emotional or bitter Facebook status or Twitter update. I have been angry at God, I’ve been angry at his church, I’ve been angry at the whole world. I’ve been astounded by God’s providence, astounded by how the church can be used, and astounded at how the world keeps moving.

I’ve learned a lot about myself and a lot about my friends and family. I’ve worked in retail and hated retail. I’ve worked from home and wished I could do it for the rest of my life. I’ve spent more hours in solitude than I thought could be possible without going insane. I’ve met more people in 18 months than I thought could be possible without going insane. I’ve wondered if this was all because I didn’t choose the right major in college or because I wasn’t ambitious enough with the major I did choose. I wondered if this is because I wasn’t social enough, or charming enough, or enough like the status quo.

I’ve fought depression, I’ve fought the desire to sleep away the pain and I’ve fought the desire to punch someone in the throat for making me go through this. I’ve marveled at how short-sighted people can be and how little they can think of the future of others. I’ve been appalled at people who only care about the welfare of families, without a thought for the welfare of singles. I’ve been appalled at my own bitterness because of their thoughtlessness. I’ve been grateful to get out of unhealthy situations, grateful for friends who gave me shelter, and grateful for family who kept debt collectors from my doorstep.

I still have no idea what the future will bring. I still have no idea what the full effect of the last 18 months will be. I don’t know if what I’m doing is the right thing or the smart thing or if I’m going to end up leeching off the generosity of others until they can’t take it any more and throw me off their backs. I don’t know if the path I’ve chosen is the narrow path that leads to great things, or the narrow path that leads to more failure. But I have to try. I can’t let one day, 18 months ago, define my entire life and dictate the mood I’ll be in for the rest of my life. It may shape my future, but it will not define it.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. November 16, 2010 3:23 pm

    Daaaaaaaaaang this was good.

    Really powerful, personal, and authentic.

    I encourage you to persevere through this. Waiting for what’s next may turn out to be the most formative time of your life.

    Really, REALLY well done on this post though.

    And yes, retail does suck.

    • dtdorrin permalink*
      November 16, 2010 8:45 pm

      Thanks so much for the encouraging words about the post and this phase in my life! Definitely trying to persevere without losing faith in the bigger picture. Also really, really hoping this period doesn’t include another stint in retail.

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