True Confessions: Part 1

Sometimes it feels good just to get something off your chest. A confession to the world and a chance to say, “This is how I feel about it!” That’s what I’m going to do today. I’m going to get a few things off my chest and tell you all about the things I don’t like, but rarely admit, for fear of persecution by its disciples and followers. Here are a few things I could live without ever eating, seeing or doing again:

Warm, soft apples? Ew.

1. Pie. Lemon meringue pie is the only pie I really like. All other pies are a waste of calories. Pumpkin pie? No thanks, I’ll just eat the Cool Whip by itself. Apple pie? Stop trying to feed me fruit. Cherry pie? Heck no, I’m not eating neon pink cherries.

2. Star Wars. I understand that George Lucas is brilliant and the movies were revolutionary in their day, but they’re boring. I’m sorry, I had to say it. I think they’re boring. I also can’t get past Luke briefly having a thing for his half sister.

3. College Sports. This is especially offensive to basketball fans in North Carolina. I’m sorry, but there are just too many college teams to keep up with. Too many divisions and conferences and on and on. I went the Campbell University, so college sports has never been a priority. I think it’s also unappealing because college fans like to feel superior to fans of professional sports. They claim it’s because professional sports is all about making money, and college players do it for the love of the game. First: Cam Newton. Second: I hate to break it to you, but do you think those schools would care a lick about sports if it didn’t bring in millions of dollars in revenue each year? No, no they wouldn’t.

4. Meatballs. I’ve had someone threaten to stop being my friend over this one. I’m pretty sure they were joking, though. The sponginess of the meat is what does me in. Meat should never, ever be spongy. Ever. And have you ever noticed that when you tell someone about a food you don’t like, they often reply with “But have you had my fill-in-the-blank?” This has happened to me several times and I assure you, I have never been converted to liking that particular food.

Put on a shirt!

5. Matthew McConaughey movies. This isn’t a big deal to guys, but confess this to some women and they might just slap you. First, blondes are just meh in my book, and blondes who seem incapable of wearing a shirt make me gag. We get it, McConaughey, you work out and have a great tan. But that won’t distract me from the fact that every single one of your movies is the same thing but with a different girl.

Tomorrow I’ll be a little more positive and confess to the whole world a few of my hidden loves–things I only admit to liking after I know I won’t be judged for it. I’ll tell you right now, a boy band is involved.