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Over-sharing is Overrated

January 24, 2011

I do not want to hear about your medical issues. Okay, that’s not entirely true. If my friend is sick or a family member had a heart attack or is having surgery, please tell me about it and let me know how I can help. Need a damp cloth for your feverish forehead? Let me get that for you. Need a ride to the doctor? I’m getting my keys as I type this. There is a line, though. A very distinct, very important line.

The gentlemen reading this may not know about a phenomenon in the female world where women lose all ability to keep medical issues to themselves. Let me share with you some information about the life of a woman and its three phases:

Birth to mid-20s: Talking about boys and how cute they are.

Mid-20s to 40s: Talking about children and what kind of stroller to buy or what school their children should attend.

40s to death: Talking in excruciating detail about every ailment of their own and of anyone they have ever known for more than five minutes.

These aren’t hard and fast rules because, obviously, not everyone has children. But the first and third phases are pretty set in stone for the most part. For some reason, a lot of women in these phases are incapable of talking about anything other than those three subjects: boys, children, and sickness. It’s the third phase that makes me want to vomit all over their orthopedic shoes.

Like I said, I don’t mind hearing about your cold, but when you start to describe the color of the mucus you’re hacking up, I’m gone. I realize that every woman has hot flashes, but I swear if you can’t find anything else to talk about, then please get a hobby.

I have spent a good deal of time in the workplace and outside the workplace around women who feel the need to share with the world every single symptom of their various ailments. They don’t talk about books they’ve read, movies they’ve seen, or whether or not the post-modern world has created a population of unfocused know-it-alls. No, all they talk about are bodily functions that no one needs to hear about.

I know I’m probably one of the few people out there who has such a strong objection to hearing about fluids and flesh and blood, but can’t we all agree that everyone should be able to talk about something other than ourselves? I’ve put together a short list of topics we can talk about other than medical ailments:

1. Puppies
2. Which is worse: Watching an entire season of Two and a Half Men without stopping, or listening to the Gigli soundtrack for 48 straight hours?
3. Who decided it was okay to eat honey, which is just bee vomit? Sweet, sweet bee vomit that takes biscuits to a whole new level.
4. Why hasn’t there been more discussion about how stupid it was for the parents in The Parent Trap to separate their twin daughters because they were too immature to grin and bear it so their daughters could at least visit each other after their divorce?
5. If you were a member of a posse, what would your name be?

Discuss.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Amanda Strayer permalink
    January 24, 2011 3:03 pm

    At breakfast on Friday, can we please talk about why successful singers decide to try acting in the first place?

    And you’re right: 2 and a half men, stupid show.

    • dtdorrin permalink*
      January 24, 2011 3:15 pm

      Oh it will definitely be on the agenda. And it makes me sad for America that Two and a Half Men is the #1 comedy and it’s been on for 8 or 9 years. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: The adults who watch that show and have made it popular have absolutely no right to pass judgment on the decisions and tastes of younger generations.

  2. Daniel Strayer permalink
    January 25, 2011 6:54 pm

    Agreed. What a LAME-O Show. I don’t think that I have ever been able to watch a full episode all the way through. I have tried many-a-time to get into the show, but 45 seconds in I end up hating it all over again with a renewed vigor.

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