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Heaven’s FAQ Brochure

January 27, 2011

I’ve had many conversations with people that go along the lines of “In heaven, do you think we’ll understand why such and such happened?” or “If you could ask so-and-so any question, what would you ask?” Of course, none of us knows exactly what it will be like and if we’ll even care about the things and people of Earth, but it begs the question:

Do you think they give out a Frequently Asked Questions pamphlet to everyone during orientation?

Do they even have orientation in heaven? Surely we don’t show up and just start living the good life for all eternity without some sort of tour around the place or a list of the available amenities.

Also—will I get in trouble for joking around about this?

I’m betting that a lot of people have the same questions for the same people. Everything from serious philosophical questions, to things that have just bothered us on Earth. So having a FAQ brochure would come in handy so Eve doesn’t constantly have to answer questions about why she ate the fruit.

Setting aside the serious questions, here are a few queries I think would be in heaven’s FAQ brochure:

1. Why the narwhal but no unicorn?

2. Where the heck did Amelia Earhart crash?

3. What was the point of having Antarctica around?

4. Seriously, what’s with mosquitoes and houseflies?

5. Could you possibly erase things from history that we’ll be embarrassed for future generations to see? Like our obsession with the Kardashians, parachute pants, and wearing ironic accessories?

6. What are the 11 herbs and spices in KFC’s chicken?

7. On a scale of 1 to 10, (1 being completely wrong and 10 being pretty dang close) how accurate was Charlton Heston’s portrayal of Moses in The Ten Commandments?

8. Is there a theater in heaven where we can watch video of historic moments in time, like the Gettysburg address or the Green Bay Packers winning Super Bowl 1?

9. Could you make it possible for me to choose what I want to dream while sleeping? Do people in heaven even sleep?

10. Is there some sort of “Lunch and Learn” program in heaven where we can have a meal with our favorite writers, philosophers, and Bible characters?

What questions would you add to the FAQ section of heaven’s orientation package?


One Comment leave one →
  1. Your Mama permalink
    January 28, 2011 6:42 pm

    Will there be a map on the streets so we can locate main buildings?

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