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Bounty Hunters Anonymous

January 31, 2011

Sometimes you may feel like your vision is clouded and muddled, full of half-finished ideas. You can’t make out the gem from among all the bad ideas, or there are no ideas at all. Then the clouds part and a ray of sunshine peeks through to reveal something so wonderful, so magical, that you can’t help but believe all that time of dried up writer’s block was building up to this moment.

It was during such a moment that I, with the help of my esteemed colleague Sarah, devised the plot to next season’s new hit television show.

Bounty Hunters Anonymous

SidecarImagine this: Two female bounty hunters ride their motorcycles across the country (and sometimes overseas during sweeps week) finding bad guys and bringing them to justice. All with the help of their sidekick dog, Clive, a Jack Russell Terrier with three legs and a personality that could best be described as “Ed Asner as Lou Grant in Mary Tyler Moore.”

Of course, the two bounty hunters would be named Sarah and Tiffany, but to hide their identities from from the people they’re pursuing, each job would bring a new alias. Names like Sarah Plainentall (Or S-Plainin) and Tiffen Drizzle. Sometimes they might go for something less obvious like Sarah Cold Calculation Culotts and Touchdown Territory Tiffany (Triple T for short).

A typical episode would involve Sarah perusing the web to find out who needs to be brought to justice while Tiffany takes Clive on his morning walk and charms the busboy at the local diner into giving her a free side of bacon with her pancakes.

Once the destination is procured, they strap Clive into his motorcycle sidecar and begin their journey to justice. Mishaps would ensue, 80s references would be made, and Clive would ensure the safety of Sarah and Tiffany with the use of his scrappy nature.

The dialog would includes gems such as “Don’t look at me like I stole your shoelaces, or I will steal your shoelaces and make you wish you hadn’t knocked off that liquor store in Kansas.”

Or “Didn’t your momma teach you to say please? As in, ‘please don’t humiliate me in front of all my rabble-rousing friends?’” (That line would be said after they’d found the person in question at a biker bar in West Virginia. He had probably done something nefarious like hired a hit-man to off his old lady.)

You might be wondering how Sarah and Tiffany would bring the perps to the police with just motorcycles. Clive isn’t the only one who would ride in a sidecar. Sarah and Tiffany both have a sidecar on their motorcycles so as to bring in the people and take home the money. Each person would be safely strapped in and wearing a helmet. Their second rule is “Safety first.”*

Each episode would end with Sarah and Tiffany enjoying a cold soda and a bag of Pizzeria Pretzel Combos, regaling each other with tales of bounty hunting and the open road. Clive would eat his Purina brand Beggin’ Strips and entertain the audience with his three-legged antics.

I’m pretty sure USA Network will want to add this to their lineup right after Burn Notice.

*Their first rule is never look a rabid dog in the eye. They don’t want to talk about it.

One Comment leave one →
  1. January 31, 2011 4:07 pm

    this is by far our best idea yet.

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