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Just In Case I’m Ever on VH1

February 10, 2011

I’ve been practicing what I’d say in case I ever become a D-list celebrity and VH1 asks me to be on one of their shows. You know the ones—where washed-up actors and comedians talk about what used to be cool in the 90s or during 2003 or whenever. I think I’d be quite good at that job, so I’ve put together a few quips in case I’m ever called upon to express my opinion of pop culture.

Pinky and the Brain

Subject: Justin Bieber

I could never quite get over my suspicion that Justin Bieber was an evil drone sent to brainwash everyone and make it easier to take over the world. He was the Pinky to someone else’s Brain.

Subject: Jersey Shore

I know people made fun of the Jersey Shore kids, but aren’t they kind of evil geniuses for convincing an entire nation to even acknowledge their existence? Moral of the story: Never underestimate the power of big hair to hypnotize everyone in its path.

Subject: Sarah Palin

I think the really sad thing is that they totally missed the opportunity to hire a guy nicknamed Tall to be her sidekick in a show named Sarah Palin and Tall.*

Subject: Lindsay Lohan

Hey, do you guys remember when it was breaking news any time Lindsay Lohan got into trouble? And how we all just looked with pity upon her, feeling sorry for her, but not enough to leave her alone? Yeah, that was an awkward phase for America.

Subject: Social Networks

I started noticing that a new step had been added to process of getting over a breakup: posting vague quotes about the ex on Facebook and Twitter. They were either a dig at the ex, or a declaration that they were totally over that person and had moved on. I think this step came right after sadness, but before anger.

Subject: Teen Moms

I had a friend who wasn’t allowed to watch Rugrats because the cartoon’s parents always seemed to neglect their kids. I thought it was crazy at the time, but then all these shows about teen moms started popping up and I began to wonder if that show had adversely effected the parenting skills of an entire generation.

*Yes, I recycled that joke from a tweet I wrote months ago, so sue me! Or just follow me on Twitter. Whichever.

What would you say if you were ever on VH1?

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