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Great Debates: Air Conditioning Vents

March 24, 2011

This world of ours is full of conflict, great and small. People have their opinions and believe their way is the best way. Most people are able to see past their differences and accept others. But sometimes these conflicts are of such great importance, that they must be dissected in a super serious and completely legitimate format: the blog. One of these many conflicts is something that will make its yearly appearance in the coming weeks as the temperature rises: Air conditioning vent position.

I don’t spend a lot of time sitting in back seats any more, seeing as I’ve been driving my own car for a while. But since gas costs about as much as a college education these days, carpooling is always a great option. That is, it’s a great option unless you’re forced to sit in the back seat and the people in the front are air conditioning hogs.

Here’s how it plays out: Unless you have a fancy car with rear air conditioning vents, (Well aren’t you Mr. or Miss Fancy Pants with your fancy extra vents. I bet you have cruise control too.) most vehicles have four vents in the front dash. One beside each window and two in the center above or around the radio and controls.

So you’re chilling in the backseat, straining to hear the conversation in the front seat because apparently there’s a force field in every car ever that makes it impossible to hear a conversation clearly from the back seat, especially if you’re riding with someone who insists on turning the radio up because the world revolves around them and they want to hear Lady Gaga sing about love or something.

All of a sudden you realize that the sun is beating down on your face like Thor’s fist and it’s approximately 187 degrees. You casually ask: “Hey bro, crank up the air.” They oblige and then begin moving the vents around so the air can reach the backseat. Unless you’re riding with someone who leaves the vents pointing at them, in which case you need new friends. This is when we start dividing people into two camps: Intelligent Human Beings and People Who Want You to Die of Heat Stroke. Let’s use a diagram to illustrate this point.

Vent diagramThe first camp will point the center vents into the back seat because it offers the most unobstructed pathway for the air. See how the nice, cool air is able to flow freely into the back seat? It’s a beautiful thing. The second group points the side vents—those beside the windows—to the backseat. Because they hate you. See how the seat, the side of the car and every other obstruction ever is keeping the air from reaching you?

This is why I don’t think aliens have invaded our planet yet. They’re flying by our planet because they see people pointing the wrong vents at the back seat and decide to continue looking for intelligent life in other galaxies.

Side vent pledge

Before the heat takes up semi-permanent residence for the next few months and we’re still able to live without a cranked up A/C, let’s all make a pact to help our brothers and sisters in the back seat. Don’t fool yourself into believing the side vents are better. Take the pledge to be a non-jerk and help your friends stay cool.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Schniff Schnaff Shalomie permalink
    March 24, 2011 4:16 pm

    Very important lesson.

    Also, I have experienced the same sound force field, and I thought I was alone. Everyone else seems to manage fine. I also find it in effect during meals at restaraunts where a large number of people are around a rectangle table. I try to grab a middle seat; if I fail, I find other things to entertain me when the conversation is at the wrong end.

  2. March 24, 2011 4:47 pm

    I love you.

  3. Your Mama permalink
    March 24, 2011 9:01 pm

    Where can we buy the sticker?

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