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Supporting my Delusions

March 25, 2011

Sometimes you’re sitting at your desk, eating a strawberry fruit strip (it’s like a Fruit Roll-Up for adults!) and thinking to yourself “I need to think of a mostly legal way to mix things up and make changes in my life. Preferably something that won’t require any effort on my part.”

Then you’re scrolling through your blog reader and happen upon the news that Lindsay Lohan has now joined the ranks of Cher and Madonna and will henceforth only be known as Lindsay. Jackpot. Need a way to make positive changes in your life? Name change. Or rather, name shortening.

Apparently she’d been thinking of doing this for a while, but only felt she was famous enough after E-trade made a Super Bowl commercial that included a “milkaholic” named Lindsay.

Wait? You’re not seeing how the two are connected? Don’t worry, it doesn’t matter. What matters is this:

1. Does Lindsay Lohan (oh yes—I used the last name!) not realize that the reason it works for Prince and Madonna and Cher is that their names are not very common? You never hear about a kindergarten class having three Chers or a reality show having to differentiate between Prince Smith from Wichita and Prince Juarez from Los Angeles. Why? Because no one except crazy celebrities have names like that. But Lindsay is as common as Jennifer. Or John. It’s not gonna work, honey.

Did you hear that Lindsay was arrested today?”

Lindsay Johnson, the pastor’s daughter?! What did she do?!”

No, not that Lindsay! You know—Lindsay.”

Lindsay Freeman of the Coney Island Freemans? Did she get caught smuggling in fake Prada bags from China?”

No. Wait, what? Fake Prada bags? No—Lindsay, formerly Lindsay Lohan. Duh.”

2. The story I read about this quoted her mom as saying Lindsay is dropping the Lohan and just going by Lindsay.” Guys, I don’t anticipate ever becoming famous or anything, but if I do, I hope you’ll be as supportive of my delusions as Lohan’s family. If I ever decide to simply go by Tiffany, (yes, I know about the singer—humor me) I hope you’ll tell gossip columnists about it, all while maintaining a straight face and abstaining from rolling your eyes. Because you know what true love is? Refraining from rolling your eyes when people are riding the crazy train.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. March 27, 2011 11:47 pm

    It could work, but only if you pronounce your name differently, i.e. Lind-Say or Tiff-Annie.

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