Skip to content

Postmodern Spam Comment Poetry Slam

April 20, 2011

Sometimes I receive spam comments that make me wonder if it’s really a bad thing to have these parcels of hilarity left on my blog, or if maybe I’m the recipient of glorious and moving postmodern poetry.

I’ll see these products of what couldn’t possibly be anything except a computer program and think to myself: I am living in the future and the future is awesome. I thought it would be beneficial for us to take a look at this postmodern example of creativity and delve further into what it could possibly mean. It will be like a flashback to a college literature class, minus actual literature.

Since the actual spam comment is more than 500 words long, you can see the full text here. For the sake of time, brevity, and word count on this entry, I’ve just pulled a few of the choicest bits of literary mastery for us to digest.

– “But timex caught our expedition but was immediately, hanging their watches so as stabilization to lake as she was back.” – Timex caught their expedition. Expedition to what? Is it an expedition into the unknown depths of time and relativity? And why are they hanging their watches and who is this “she” that is back from what appears to be a lake of stabilization? Perhaps the watch wearer’s one and only love? Obviously.

– “…but seldom a watches by common begun out in of only.” – I hear you, man. If only. Because they are right—seldom are watches begun in common ways. And a reminder that seldom are great things begun in a common way.

– “Only you must get if 1975 better in the omega by some one watches in harry tabletop, but immediately a glad window on the girls box at of another marble – party.” – Okay, this time they seem to be telling us something about how we must make sure we look to the past for quality items. But since they then start talking about girls and parties, I believe the writer is also saying that the past holds the secret to future happiness in relationships, like to the girl from the first line we examined. In other words, learn from the mistakes of other. That’s heavy.

– “Zenith commuted and my watches seen.” – I love this sentence. Zenith is the highest point reached in a celestial body. Once this zenith is reach, or “commuted,” you are able to see the watches, or the passing of time. And when you see the passing of time, you’re able to fully understand where you’ve come from. This spam commenter is a friggin’ genius. Move over Robert Frost, kids in the future will be studying this guy.

– “Through the theatre – ajar, giordino watched a battered head into saturn’s dame, an gallon – rare military replica gun.” – Oh snap! We’re back in the celestial heavens for this line and it seems that the universe has become a theatre for Saturn and his dame. Then it takes a turn for the military and Saturn is sporting a rare gun. Saturn is the god of agriculture, so perhaps there is a battle in the heavens for man’s right to farm and provide for his family, and his one true love. This is taking an unexpected turn into waters about life, liberty, and the pursuit of buying nice watches.

– “The tag was watches, never that the we’re usa.” – This, the final sentence, offers clarity and seems to back up what I said earlier. This poem is putting forth the idea that we Americans have the right to buy fancy watches at a reasonable price. I don’t know about you, but I agree. How can I not agree when this advertiser of high-quality goods used such beautiful poetry to get his point across? Makes me proud to be an American.

Except I don’t wear a watch because I have a cell phone. Sorry buddy—better luck next time.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Heather permalink
    April 20, 2011 11:45 am

    QuarkXpress, a page layout program like InDesign (it even has an inset cap letter! Huzzah!), has a Jabberwocky placeholder text option that sounds exactly like this. I read some of it off to my teacher and she said it’s pretty much the same thing, except Jabberwocky has things like ‘umpteen warthogs’ and ‘subtly Macintoshes’.

  2. Amanda permalink
    May 5, 2011 1:18 pm

    Have you ever seen this website?
    It was posted on a blog on etsy, and I immediately thought of this post.

    • dtdorrin permalink*
      May 18, 2011 4:44 pm

      That is AWESOME. Thanks for sharing!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: