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World’s Worst Chick Flick Part 18: The Break-Up Artist

May 24, 2011

If you’re looking for a reason to get Netflix, they have Harry and the Hendersons on instant streaming. If you’re looking for an excuse to save that money, then keep in mind that the majority of their instant streaming movies are similar to The Break-Up Artist.

The title says it all—Britney is the anti-Hitch. People hire her to do their dirty work and break up with their significant other. Apparently some grade school break-up turned Britney into a cynic who believes all men are dirt bags and true love doesn’t exist. The audience knows this is just a defense mechanism, of course, because she watches Cary Grant movies when she’s spending her nights alone.

I’m starting to believe that classes about screenwriting have a special section in the back of their textbook, detailing how to show audiences about a character’s real personality. Under the heading of “Woman who is pretending to be a cynic about love” is a bullet point that states “Show her watching an old black and white film, preferably starring Cary Grant.” Under the heading for men pretending to be cynical about love is the suggestion “Show him being the father figure to a young child, despite his vow of never loving anybody ever.”

When Britney’s business is in trouble because of competition, she becomes a matchmaker for a really nice guy who is in love with her shallow and vapid sister.

Guess what happens next? I bet you’ll never believe the big twist in the plot.

She ends up falling for the guy who is in love with her sister.

While Britney is training Mike to be a tool, they’re actually falling for each other because that is what always happens when a guy and girl spend a lot of time together. At least that’s what I’ve learned from all the hours I’ve spent watching movies.

During her “training,” Britney explains that women want a man to act aloof, and that acting interested is a turn-off. Seriously? Who are these women and can we vote them off the island? Actually, let’s just get rid of the people who make movies and television and brainwash people into believing all of this.

I won’t pretend that one of the reasons I didn’t like this movie is that the cliched role of the ditzy blond is named Tiffany. Aside from that, each of these characters had about as much depth as a kiddie pool. They were all clichés of what Hollywood thinks the world is like. There’s the cynical girl, the ditzy girl, the ditzy girl’s slightly smarter friend, the nice guy, the tool guy, and the shallow sister who isn’t much prettier than the cynical girl, but always makes comments as though she is.

To add insult to injury, the dialog in this movie made me wonder if the writer had been saving up jokes for 20 years that he’d heard in Jay Leno’s monologues. There was a reference to Titanic (the “I’m flying!” scene), Bill Clinton’s promiscuity, and Brokeback Mountain. Not to mention the dozens of other attempts at humor, including the ditzy blonde pretending to call someone a hot dog? Or something? I don’t know, I stopped giving the movie my full attention after the first few minutes when some kids were chanting a song about cooties.

Bottom line: Do yourself a favor and instead of watching this half-hearted attempt at creating the next Hitch, and just watch Hitch for the forty-seventh time.The Break-Up Artist

One Comment leave one →
  1. Schniff Schnaff Shalomie permalink
    May 24, 2011 3:07 pm

    I happened across Harry and the Hendersons the other day on Comcast On Demand, and immediately and joyfully watched it.

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