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Imagined Conversations: Jane Austen Watching Bridezillas

June 16, 2011

Sometimes I watch a “women’s network” because they air chick flicks to which I can’t say no. The downside is that you’re subjected to the commercials for their shows, many of which display the worst type of women in the world. So I saw one of these commercials and thought to myself, “What would Jane Austen think of this?” Here’s my imagined answer:

Me: Okay, Miss Austen, the point of “Bridezillas” is to show out of control brides going crazy the week before their wedding.

Jane Austen: Why are they going crazy and why are they showing it on television?

Me: Because watching other people act ridiculous and childish makes the rest of us feel more normal. Even on our worst day, at least we can say we’re not as crazy as them.

JA: And this is entertaining?

Me: Well, it’s entertaining in the same way watching men get hit in the crotch is entertaining.

JA: What’s a crotch?

Me: Never mind. Let’s just say this is low-brow entertainment.

The episode begins by telling us about the first bridezilla, named Erica.

JA: This young couple doesn’t even seem to like each other. Though I can’t blame the gentleman because his betrothed seems to take her behavior cues from a two-year-old.

Me: Yes, I’m pretty sure she may have missed the memo that yelling doesn’t really get you what you want.

JA: I’ve seen crazy old bachelors at village dances behave better after having several drinks.

The second bridezilla, Krystal, is introduced as one half of a fun-loving drunk couple.

JA: So this couple met and fell in love because of a mutual affinity for alcohol and vomiting after said alcohol is consumed?

Me: Love conquers all, and what it doesn’t conquer can apparently be masked by having a good buzz.

We go back to Erica, and find that she is on her way to a bachelorette party, complete with strippers.

JA: Oh my.

Me: Yeah…

JA: Oh my!

Me: Welcome to the twenty-first century.

JA: I’m not sure which is more disturbing—seeing this young lady dance with nearly-naked men, or knowing that this is not unusual.

Me: It’s not unusual, but it’s definitely not classy.

JA: What happened in the last 200 years to allow women to go from repressed, to being completely uninhibited to the point of embarrassment?

Me: Yes, I believe some people misinterpret equal rights to mean that they have the right to act like a fool without getting in trouble.

After a commercial break, the drama continues with Erica’s preparations.

JA: Why is she covering those parasols with colored feathers?

Me: Are you saying you wouldn’t want to walk around London with fake red feathers on your parasol? Because that says to me that you’re a classy lady who doesn’t want to get sunburned or rained on, but also wants to have a good time.

JA: I didn’t understand anything you just said.

Me: Never mind.

After a trip to the liquor store with Krystal, we go back to Erica and find that she is about the beat up her sister for wanting to do schoolwork, rather than helping her finish making her hideous feather-covered umbrellas.

JA: Remind me again why these people are allowed to go out in public?

Me: It’s a free country.

JA: I understand that, but doesn’t this kind of behavior impede on the rights of others to not be surrounded by ignorance and familial violence?

Me: Yes, but it’s still their right to act like a fool and let the whole world see them do it. And the good news is that most women are not like this. Bridezillas just shows the extreme behavior of a very small population.

JA: Well that very small population should probably not be allowed to procreate.

Me: Agreed.

PS Bryan Allain did his own version of the imaginary conversations yesterday, and I promise I didn’t copy him. I had the idea a few days ago, so I like to think it’s a case of great minds thinking alike. Read his post here.

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