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The Internet Five Commandments

June 21, 2011

I think we all have communist tendencies. Admit it—we all want to control the freedoms of really annoying people. Furthermore, it seems that annoying people use the Internet to their advantage in order to run amok and drive the rest of us mild-mannered citizens up the wall.

So if I were in a position of power, I’d write an Internet Five Commandments with the following things that should get you banned from the world wide web:

1. Thou shalt not type your emoticons backward. For example, using (-: instead of 🙂 Everyone knows that the eyes come first, and if you don’t know this, please leave.

2. Thou shalt not have a website that automatically plays music. If I want to hear your music, I will press play on my own. Don’t try to set the mood with your Enya music, I have my own music, thank you very much.

3. Thou shalt not use so much flash, that it takes 20 seconds for your home page to load. And no, having a clever loading animation does not make up for this.

4. Thou shalt not overuse repeating letters. I get that you’re trying to express your true self by saying, “You’re the best everrrrrr.” But like all things: Moderation is the key to not making people hate you.

5. Thou shalt not overshare: There’s a limit to how much I want to know about your child, romantic relationship, science class experiments, opinions about politics, Farmville stats, or what Disney princess you’d be.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. June 21, 2011 10:41 pm

    does #4 apply to onomatopoeia? Wow, I’m surprised I spelled that one right on the first try. For example, AHHHHHH, hmmmmmm, whaaaaaaaa, duhhhhhhhhhh, &c.

  2. June 22, 2011 9:39 am

    1. Yes.
    2. For crying out loud, yes.
    3. Enough already.
    4. Ok, sometimes I do this.
    5. Yes.

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