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Your Kids Make me Uncomfortable

July 13, 2011

We all agree that kids are adorable right? I’ve even seen some kids who are even cuter than puppies. Someday I hope to have some of my own to shape and mold and talk to in a fake British accent so they grow up with one. But right now I only have your kids to look at and be uncomfortable around.

There, I said it. Kids make me uncomfortable.

Don’t worry, it’s only partially your fault. It’s mostly the fault of the kids. And it’s not like they can help it.

I’m mostly kidding, don’t worry. Except about being uncomfortable around kids. Several challenges exist, mostly dealing with the question, “What the heck do I do now?”

The Darbster

Not all babies are scary. This one doesn't cry when I hold her, so obviously I'm buying her a pony and a convertible.

Some of them only like their mom or dad. So when you hold them, the world ends and you begin questioning yourself and wondering what kind of horrible person you are to make a poor, defenseless baby cry. Do I smell weird? Am I holding them wrong? Can they sense that I’m actually a horrible person who wants to make them miserable by depriving them of the comfort of their mother’s arms?

This results in me giving the baby back to their parent and questioning if my having a uterus was pointless, because every baby ever is going to hate me and my weird smell.

Also, babies are needy little things. Feed me! Bathe me! Change my diaper! Feed me again! Let me sleep, but only if you hold me at this exact angle for 45 minutes until I fall asleep! You’re doing it ALL WRONG!

Toddlers to About Four
Most of them seem to be over the phase of only wanting attention from their parents. Instead, they’re almost all hell-bent on destruction and mischief. This is where parents come in: You all discipline your kids differently.

First of all, I don’t want to discipline your kids ever. EVER. E-V-E-R. So what the heck am I supposed to do when they start eyeing that bowl of pretzels? Some parents let their kids eat whatever they want. Others guard their kid’s eating habits like the cure for cancer is hidden in their stomach.

Should I say no to them? Should I get your attention even though you’re in the middle of an important meeting? What if you’re there, but distracted by your other child? Do I take the chance of telling you, and then looking like an idiot?

I’ll be honest. Most of the time I just pretend I don’t see what’s going on. Unless for some reason I’ve actually been left in charge of a kid, in which case I distract them with something shiny.

Phineas and Ferb

Hey kid! Let's talk about how funny Phineas and Ferb are. Now we can be BFFs.

What exactly do you talk about with kids? I have an active imagination, so I can pretend to be scaling a castle wall with the best of them. But it’s been my experience that when the castle is conquered and the battle is over, we don’t have a whole lot to talk about. The good thing, though, is that kids don’t care about debt ceilings, the rights of gun owners, or Kim Kardashian. But when you first meet a child, you don’t go straight to battling dragons for a castle. Unless they’re one of those rare children that likes everyone right away, (I love those kids.) you have to prove that you’re not a Stranger Danger by engaging them in some sort of conversation. About what? I don’t know.

I console myself at the end of the day by telling myself that it’s better with your own kids, and that I’m a lot more comfortable with older kids. I like the age where children can hold a conversation about Harry Potter or Phineas and Ferb. So if I seem awkward around your precious little pumpkin, it’s because I am. Help a girl out by putting away the pretzels.

One Comment leave one →
  1. July 14, 2011 12:52 am

    Glad I’m not the only one. I never grew up around kids, so i have none of the basic skills that come from having baby siblings and cousins.

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