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My Sister-Wife’s Husband

July 26, 2011

I bet you thought we were getting all “Big Love” on the blog today, right? Psych! I just reeled you in like a catfish in the Mississippi River! I’m assuming there are catfish in the Mississippi.

I promise there’s a reason I titled this entry My Sister-Wife’s Husband. For about seven months last year I lived in Georgia with my friends Donny and Carla and while living there, Carla’s family got a kick out of calling me Donny’s second wife. Which, of course, was just a joke.

This schtick originated because of a little story that takes place during the summer of 2006 at a camp in the North Carolina mountains where I met Donny and Carla. That summer I was 22 and had about as much dating experience as most 14-year-olds. Given my history of descriptions, you might think this is an exaggeration. It’s not. I am what some people call a “late bloomer.” That summer several male staff members took it upon themselves to set Donny and I up, because in their minds, we were perfect for each other. Why is that, you ask? Because we’re both funny and smart (their words, not mine).

That’s all well and good, of course. The guy I’m dating right now is both of those things, so that’s definitely something I was looking for. The problem was that we had other things in common that wouldn’t work out great. Like the fact that we could both sit in silence for hours on end.

Later in the summer Donny and I went to dinner and a movie, and though I’m always in favor of a free meal and movie, I’d say the best part of this story is the punchline:

Four months later Donny was engaged to my best friend, Carla.

I like to think that it was the evening spent with me that really clued Donny in to the fact that Carla was a much better match for him than me. It could also be the fact that Carla already liked him and her sparkling personality had already been working its magic for a while. I’m not joking when I say she has a sparkling personality. Carla’s the type of person to whom strangers tell their entire life story after ten minutes of conversation. She could probably get Kim Jong-il to start crying as he talks about being made fun of in the second grade. After the conversation he’d step down as dictator of North Korea and open up an Etsy shop selling scented drawer sachets.

When Donny and Carla got married I was a bridesmaid and Carla told me that her mom was planning on thanking me for not dating Donny. I like to think that my inability to small talk helped create a marriage. It’s just my little gift to the world.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. July 26, 2011 1:47 pm

    Do you think you could use your powers of non-conversation to find me a guy? Ben won’t mind, I’m sure.

  2. July 26, 2011 2:44 pm

    well plaid. That’s like a middle english version of played that’s also fashionably acceptable if you’re a woodsman.

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