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The Seven Most Stressful Children’s Movies

September 21, 2011
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Is it just me, or are a lot of children’s movies really stressful and full of sadness? I don’t need all rainbows and unicorns, but a little less death and lost parents would be nice. Here are the seven kids’ movies that give me hives.

1. Bambi: When I saw a commercial for Bambi 2, my first thought was that unless Bambi’s mom was somehow found to actually be alive, then Disney can keep this sequel to themselves. I’ve seen this movie maybe once, and I’m still scarred by it. And yes, this single movie has shaped my views on hunting and the people who hunt. (I don’t hunt but will gladly eat venison I didn’t actually kill myself.)

2. Where the Red Fern Grows: I still remember bawling at school in the first grade when we watched this. First, what kind of school shows this movie to first graders? Second, any movie with a dying pet is automatically going on the list of things I’ll never watch again. Ever. EVER.

3. The Brave Little Toaster: Setting aside the fact that this movie is about inanimate objects pining for their owner—this movie is crazy. Seriously, didn’t these appliances learn that if you get lost, STAY IN ONE PLACE. While you’re wandering around, so is everyone who is looking for you. So you’re just wandering around in a great big circle of stress and doom and causing me to get hives and wonder WHY I’m so invested in the lives of a toaster!

4. Homeward Bound: I can’t even talk about this movie without getting ferklempt about it. You think they’re never going to make it. Then you think Shadow is too old to make it and you’re all “Chance and Sassy made it, but where is SHADOW?” And you’re so happy for the kids, but on the edge of your seat, until—oh wait for it—SHADOW SLOWLY WALKS OVER THE HILL AND HE’S HOME. Someone get me a friggin’ Kleenex because I’m dying here.

5. The Fox and the Hound: Sigh. And unlikely friendship, and then the world goes and crushes their innocence. How can this friendship between the hunted and the huntee ever survive? What is the hound supposed to do? Be loyal to his owner, or to his friend? I don’t know! Mainly because I can’t remember how this movie ends, and I don’t want to be reminded. Because seriously? I just remember being sad.

6. Dumbo: If I really took the time to analyze this movie, I’d talk about how it’s a commentary on child services in this country and drug use and talking mice and animal cruelty. But the fact of the matter is that this movie is just plain sad. All the momma elephant wanted to do was protect her cute baby from those danged teenagers. Sure, she had a temper, but you’re the ones stuffing her into a train car. I’d have a short fuse too if you tried to stick me inside a coffin with a tiny window.

7. An American Tale: What’s with all the lost kids around here? Are you trying to scare children into never leaving their house again? Because it’s working. And don’t even get me started on that whole “Fieval is right there, and his family—the family he’s been looking for all over the city—is right there, but they totally don’t see each other.” That’s just cruel, Universal Studios. Cruel. You already had me stressed out over the storm while they’re at sea. Now you have me biting my nails and yelling at the TV “Turn around! TURN AROUND!” like a crazy lady.

Alright—what are some totally stressful children’s movies that you’ve seen?

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. September 21, 2011 6:15 pm

    Cracked ruined me, I can no longer watch Dumbo without thinking about how racist Walt Disney was. Jim Crow, seriously?

    • dtdorrin permalink*
      September 22, 2011 3:19 pm

      I remember hearing something about Dumbo being racist, but never really looked into it. The earlier Disney movies were pretty intense anyway. Like the witch in Sleeping Beauty? Just downright scary.

  2. September 22, 2011 1:58 pm

    This is funny because I was just thinking about this. One of my teachers from high school posted on facebook that took his son to see The Lion King in theaters recently (neither of them had seen it apparently… weird) and he was saying that his son was so distressed by it that it prevented him from enjoying the movie. I was like, come on! Mufasa dies but it’s part of the Circle of Life!

    Personally, I think Pinocchio is really creepy. The donkeys at the end? Uh uh. Not my thing. Also, the Nightmare Before Christmas disturbs the crap out me.

    Great post!

    • dtdorrin permalink*
      September 22, 2011 3:22 pm

      I thought about adding The Lion King, but decided my love for it outshines my distress when Mufasa dies. SUCH a great movie! I’ve heard that the original Pinocchio story is even more disturbing than the Disney movie. But I agree–it’s a pretty weird movie.

  3. September 24, 2011 11:58 pm

    Hi, I’ve never commented, but I’ve been reading your blog for awhile for the worst chick flick search. Heh. Anyway.

    I don’t remember being super bothered by the movies I saw as a kid, but then I’ve always had a tendency toward the melancholy… however, I’m pretty sure this is the most depressing, disturbing Disney song ever:

    Who puts lyrics like “There’s no way out, no hope, no future, I know I can’t be free” in a kids’ movie? Emo Phil Collins, apparently.

    • dtdorrin permalink*
      September 25, 2011 2:02 pm

      Holy cow! I’ve never seen Brother Bear, and I’m not sure I will after that! That song is so sad! I kept waiting for it to redeem itself with something positive.
      Thanks for commenting!

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