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Columbus Day is a Holiday Founded on Lies

October 10, 2011

This day always brings up feelings of bitterness. Every commercial for an incredible furniture sale reminds me of the lies I was told. It reminds me of the years I spent under the false impression that any man with an entire day dedicated to his triumphs surely must have done something great.

Surely they would not have given Christopher Columbus an entire day and countless sales in his honor if he hadn’t done something great, right? Wrong.

Every year I’m reminded that until the third grade, I was told by teachers—the very people molding our minds for the future—that America, home of the brave and birthplace of Twinkies, had been discovered by Christopher Columbus. We’d learn about the soap opera that was his quest for funding, and we’d laugh at how he thought he’d landed in the East Indies and that’s why they called the Native Americans by the wrong name.

Oh silly Christopher! You thought you’d found the land of a million spices! You crazy explorer, you!

We learned all these things and laughed together and learned together. That is, until the third grade when Mrs. Cole crushed our dreams and told us the truth. We had been lied to. We had been told he was the first, when in actuality he was approximately the 673rd person to discover North America.

But one hope remained. Columbus still had one leg to stand on, and that was his belief in a round world. While the rest of his fellow men still believed in a flat earth, at least Chris realized the folly of their ways.

Wait, what is that you say? Most people of that day knew the earth was round and that is yet another blatant lie schoolchildren have been taught?

And people wonder why the education system is going down in flames. It’s because the pants of our teachers are on fire. Liar. Liar. Your pants are on fire.

So not only were we lied to about Columbus discovering America, they also lied about Chris being a lone voice of reason among a society of flat earth nuts?

How can I trust anything I’ve ever been told about American history? Maybe George Washington didn’t chop down a cherry tree. Maybe Thomas Edison wasn’t the first to invent the light bulb. How do I even know that the pilgrims and American Indians had a jolly good time at the first Thanksgiving?

I don’t. Because if I learned anything, it’s that the only Christopher Columbus I can trust is the one directing movies.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Your Mama permalink
    October 10, 2011 6:47 pm

    According to the painting of Liar Chris-he had really odd fingers.

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