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An Open Letter to America About Arrested Development

October 14, 2011

Dear America,

Hey friends! How are things? How’s the weather over in ::cough:: mumble mumble ::cough::? Things have been crazy lately, right? So many ups and downs, and can we talk about those crazy Occupy Wall Street people? No? Good, because I didn’t want to talk about it either.

I’m writing because we’ve been given a second chance and I don’t want us to blow it. So let’s join hands across America as I explain to you what’s going on. Last week it was announced that they’ll be making another season of Arrested Development and a movie after that. It’s been a rough year for us, so I think this news came at the perfect time.

But we have a lot to make up for. We completely took advantage of Arrested Development when it was on from 2003 to 2006. Fox gave us so many chances to prove we were worthy of this gem, and we blew it like gale-force winds on an open plain.

We can’t let this happen again.

It’s true, we’re a young country. We’re like the youngest sibling of all the other countries, but that can’t be our excuse. We need to rise above that and prove we’ve learned our lesson. Sure, we still slip up and watch stupid things like Jersey Shore. (STOP IT, whoever you are that is watching that show! You’re making the rest of us look like idiots.)

We have a while until the show actually starts again, and I think we should use that time to improve ourselves. I put together a three-part action plan to help us prepare for the imminent premiere of this wonderful show and movie.

1. We can start by changing the channel, or even turning the TV off, when our only options for viewing are any of the following:

-Anything about expensive, redneck, mean-spirited, or generally stupid weddings or wedding parties.

-Dance Moms

-Any CBS comedy other than How I Met Your Mother

-Anything on MTV

-Shows about jobs that no one actually cares about, especially if a pawn shop is involved or catching animals of any size.

-Shows about people who are only famous because someone in their family did something once a long time ago.

Basically, we need to stop letting TV executives bow down to the lowest denominator of ourselves and show them that we want more Arrested Development and less Bad Girls.

Because, seriously guys? How are we ever going to make it to 1,000 years old when we’re letting our brains be eaten away by shows about people our moms wouldn’t have even let us hang out with in high school?

If you find yourself reaching for the remote and turning it to TLC during a wedding day extravaganza, tell yourself NO. Turn off the TV and read a book written before 1950. Or at the very least, watch a DVR’ed episode of Community or Modern Family. If you feel yourself really slipping, then get out of the house and run to your nearest library. When you get there, take deep breaths of the paper and ink saturated air. I guarantee you’ll gain back those brain cells you lost just by thinking about watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager.

2. Buy each season of Arrested Development on DVD.

Chances are, your local Target has each season for sale and they cost less than a season of Charmed or Rules of Engagement. You won’t regret this, because the third season of Arrested Development just lets it all hang out since they knew they were being cancelled. And the money counters will love to see that those DVDs are selling and they’ll think to themselves, “It’s a good thing we went ahead with the new season of that gem of a show!”

Bonus! You’ll be able to memorize all the one-liners and alienate the people who haven’t watched the show, thus shaming them into borrowing your DVDs until they buy their own.

Hey hermano!”

3. Quote Arrested Development in everyday conversation.

Like I said previously, quoting Arrested Development will go a long way in convincing others that they’re missing out. Do you think Napoleon Dynamite would have been so popular if half the conversation of college students back then didn’t consist of quotes from that movie? There was a time when you couldn’t go anywhere without someone saying “Gosh!” or “My lips hurt real bad!” By the time we got past Napoleon Dynamite, we’d changed the entire meaning of the phrase “I caught you a delicious bass.”

We can do that again! We can take the country by storm and infiltrate the minds of our friends and family with quotes from Arrested Development. Once they watch the show, they won’t even mind that you constantly quote it, because they’ll be joining in! Heck, you guys might even start quoting entire scenes together and bonding like Michael and George-Michael used to bond over a fresh batch of cornballs before a bike ride.

What do you say guys? I think we can do it and make our forefathers proud. George Washington will look down on us and smile. Abe Lincoln will stay inside his log cabin in heaven and thank us for the new season as he watches it himself. It will bring our nation together as we say no to stupid television and yes to the Bluth family.

Sincerely your friend,

Tiffany

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. October 14, 2011 12:55 pm

    I’m with you 100%! THE BEST SHOW THAT HAS EVER BEEN OR EVER WILL BE!

  2. October 14, 2011 12:57 pm

    Fox killed another fantastic show too early- “The Good Guys”, which aired last year. It was in the same time slot that killed “Arrested Development”! You think that would tip them off.. Pick that up on DVD too!

    • dtdorrin permalink*
      October 14, 2011 1:04 pm

      I watched one episode of The Good Guys, but never got hooked. To me, Bradley Whitford will always be Josh Lyman from The West Wing (my all-time favorite show). I had such a hard time seeing him in The Good Guys as a totally different character! But I heard the show was good, so I’ll have to add it to my Netflix queue. Thanks for the recommendation!

  3. October 15, 2011 7:29 pm

    I am soooo out of the loop. I have never seen Arrested Development and have always had a sneaking suspicion that I should. Thank goodness for NetFlix!

    • dtdorrin permalink*
      October 15, 2011 10:42 pm

      Oh you should definitely check it out! It’s so quirky & funny. And better late than never!

  4. Amanda Strayer permalink
    October 31, 2011 12:42 pm

    Last I heard, it was going to be shown only on Netflix. If that is true, I’m signing us up without Daniel’s permission.

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