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Summaries of Movies I Haven’t Actually Seen

October 20, 2011
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I haven’t seen any of these movies. But I do have an idea of what these movies are about, based solely on the clips or trailers I’ve seen. Here are my plot summaries based on hearsay, random clips, and pure speculation.

The Terminator: Arnold Schwarzenegger is a robot that looks like a man. But he has a heart of gold and saves the day and the lives of that woman from “Beauty and the Beast” (the TV show) and that kid. Then he dies. Except maybe he doesn’t because he says “I’ll be back” and there are sequels to the movie.

The Fast and the Furious: Guys drive around in fast cars and women are all “I love fast cars and guys who find their identity in their cars!” Then they make out and drive away from the cops and mean car-driving guys who are mad—nay, furious—at them.

Star Wars, episodes 1-3: We find out where Little Darth came from and where he went wrong. Then an alien thing with dreadlocks makes all the nerds angry and question everything they know about George Lucas.

Blazing Saddles: A bunch of cowboys sit around and make jokes and fart after eating beans. The “blazing” part probably has something to do with a gun fight at the OK Corral where things take an unexpected turn and everyone dies in a blaze of glory. Or maybe it has something to do with the earlier farting. I don’t really know.

A River Runs Through It: Brad Pitt goes fly fishing.

Cloverfield: A monster destroys parts of New York City, probably mostly the Baby Gaps and Starbucks as some sort of protest of capitalism. Then they capture him and set him free to roam in a field of clover. Lots of screaming and handheld camera shots make the entire audience feel like they’re going to yack up their popcorn.

Rocky: Sylvester Stallone is a washed-up boxer who decides to get back in the ring because a pretty girl (Adrien?) made him believe he could. So he runs around Philadelphia and runs up stairs and is really proud of himself. Then he makes it back into the ring and probably beats the other guy and believes in himself again. Then makes a bunch of sequels to this movie and I think he loses in one of them. All the while he keeps saying “Yo Adrien!”

Almost Famous: A young man travels around with a band and does exactly what we all imagine roadies and groupies do: drugs, women, and booze. Kate Hudson is air-heady and giggly in a hippie sort of way that drives men wild and makes women want to shave her head while she’s sleeping.

Scream: A guy in a mask is killing a bunch of people and making them scream. He calls some of them on the phone before killing them, which is awfully convenient because then they know he’s coming. Except maybe in this movie he’s calling from inside the house, I think? So then they hang up after their super awkward phone conversation. And he kills them.

Don’t tell me if I got any of these wrong. I like to live in cinematic ignorance.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Daniel permalink
    October 21, 2011 7:14 am

    I was OK with all of them except the first one. Terminator is a cuddle-up-on-the-couch-with-Ben movie. Just do it! Your analysis was just too painful.

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