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How to Take Advantage of Being Old

November 3, 2011
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My neighbor is approximately the age of dirt. Actually, I’d guess she was born just a few days after dirt, but just before sliced bread, or something like that. Before you get the wrong idea, though, she doesn’t just stay inside to knit and watch “Diagnosis Murder” reruns. Not that that’s a bad thing, because I love me some Diagnosis Murder. In fact, she goes out more than most young people I know. Every day someone is either coming to visit her, or picking her up to take her out somewhere.

I like to imagine that she’s having a lot of fun with what I’m assuming are other senior citizens like herself. Perhaps they have a weekly high stakes game of poker, or they’re all doing P90X. I know for a fact that she’s already living it up in the food department because I saw her carrying in a Bojangles box today.

As I was thinking about what fills her day, I decided that in the event I’m living by myself when I’m her age, the only reasonable action would be to get a roommate and harken back to my 20s. None of this living by myself nonsense in an empty house. Perhaps my friends and I could even find a large enough house to relive our years in college. Except this arrangement would be even better because we wouldn’t have anything like classes interrupting our fun. Here’s my three-point plan to mimic my neighbor, the social butterfly.

1. Find a huge house: Not only would the house need large enough bedrooms, we’d also need plenty of bathrooms, and probably one of those chairs that goes up and down the stairs. It would probably also be better if it was located near a hospital in case of injuries (From fight club, but you didn’t hear about that from me.). Perhaps we’ll even have a tree house (with an elevator) to help relive our childhood.

2. Gather the troops: The pickings may be slim by this time, but you have to be sure you pick the right people. That roommate who never cleaned up their dishes? Just imagine what they’d be like with even fewer motor skills. And the friend who always invited the worst people to parties will probably now invite their undisciplined grandchildren over for Sunday lunch. No one at this age needs the hassle of putting up with brats. Stick with the low maintenance friends, especially if they’re the type who always has candy to give away.

3. Party like we’re not 99: We might as well go out in glory, right? So we’ll spend our evenings eating whatever we want (topped with bacon), followed by mattress surfing down the stairs, pranking the neighbors, and car surfing. All of this will probably have to happen before 5 p.m., though, because we’ll be getting 14 hours of sleep a day and dinner is served promptly at 4 p.m. That might not sound like fun to you, but I’m a sleeping champ and I plan on cashing in on all the hours of lost sleep that I’m sure comes with having kids. I also think this would be a good time to try things that we were too smart to do when we were younger. Like drink soda with Pop Rocks or listen to music until our ears start to ring. Not to mention all the fun we’ll have by explaining to anyone younger than us that life was better when we were young, and going into excruciating detail about how you used to have to do schoolwork by searching encyclopedias.

What about you? How are you going to take advantage of being old and not having to be a good influence any more?

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Schniff Schnaff Shalomie permalink
    November 3, 2011 5:41 pm

    Also, it would need to have a front porch with rocking chairs, overlooking the sidewalk. Because Scott and I have discussed this, and nothing will beat acting like senile old men to scare the neighborhood kids. I’m going to play up being old.
    Also, I was going to say the house could be one story so you don’t have to worry about stairs, but then I read the mattress thing. Plus, the stairs-chair would be fun. It’s be like a ski lift for the mattress-down-the-stairs adventures.

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