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Christmas Music to Make Your Ears Bleed

December 1, 2011
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Not only is he a liar, he's a creepy-looking liar

It’s Christmas time! You know what that means, right? The world lowers its already low musical standards and allows songs that should be considered hate crimes to be played on a loop everywhere we go. Songs that would make your mom slap you if you wrote them. Songs that get stuck in your head and make you wonder if shoving a Q-tip in your ear and causing a ringing in your ears would be a better alternative. You know what I’m talking about, and here are the top three worst offenders.

1. Little Drummer Boy: The little drummer boy is a dirty liar. He was not there when Jesus was born, and have you ever seen an ox and calf keep time? Nope, you haven’t. Because they can’t. Because they are farm animals and farm animals eat grass. If anything, they would have kicked the little drummer boy because he kept playing the drum while they are clearly trying to sleep. And I’m sorry. I know I’m not a mom, but I feel fairly confident that if I’d just given birth in a stable and had to deal with a newborn, I would not be okay with some kid playing the drum. Let the baby sleep, kid.

2. Feliz Navidad: Sometimes the most evil thing a song can do is get stuck in your head. This song has the ability to crawl inside your head like a termite and make a home there for an month. Even while you’re listening to other songs, Feliz Navidad sits there, playing softly in the background. A constant presence, like oxygen and my cravings for Japanese food.

3. Santa Baby: Lady, you are making me uncomfortable. Why are you talking to Jolly Saint Nick like that? Save that for the privacy of your own text messages. I do not want to hear it.

What would you add to the list?

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. December 2, 2011 12:39 am

    I agree wholeheartedly with your list. Also, I sort of like “Baby It’s Cold Outside” as long as I’m not thinking about the lyrics. Pretty sure that song is hinting to date rape. No means no.

  2. lissard8 permalink
    December 2, 2011 9:50 am

    “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” makes my ears bleed

  3. December 2, 2011 12:43 pm

    I always change the radio station or press skip if Frosty the Snowman or Santa Clause is Coming to Town come on. They are kinda creepy (“he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake”)..especially the Bruce Springsteen version of Santa Clause is Coming to Town. And they’re just annoying and overplayed. Harsh? Yes. True? To me at least.

  4. Angie permalink
    December 3, 2011 11:44 pm

    I second Steph Hagen on “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” “Hey, what’s in this drink?” is the creepiest song lyric ever. When I worked retail we called it “the date rape song.” I have to add to this the Paul McCartney song, “We’re Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time.” Horrible. Oh, and can someone explain how exactly “My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music is a Christmas song?

  5. Paul permalink
    December 4, 2011 2:32 am

    “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” is one of my least-favorites not on the list. If you must sing songs about the deaths of loved ones at Christmas, the Coventry Carol is superior in every way.

    Also, and this is more of a church thing, but it bugs me when praise teams cut out most of the verses of a carol, or worse, mash a bunch of these musical dismemberments together into some sort of auditory Frankenstein’s Monster. But the WORST thing of ALL is when they gut a good carol, and fill the empty cavity where most of its intelligent, poetic verses once hummed with some bland, repetitive, theologically vague chorus.

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