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The Truth About Parties for Women

December 13, 2011

There’s this misconception that women love all-female parties. Movies and television and the part of polite society that insists on saying “Hi, how are you?” to a co-worker every time you see them in the hallway says that women relish the very thought of throwing parties for other women. Parties where men are not invited and bite-size food is served.

By the way, do you know the real reason why women always serve bite-sized foods at these parties? To trick ourselves. Eating one large piece of quiche is crazy-pants and will make you fat. Eating 47 bite-size quiches is not only healthy, but economical. And they’re easier to fit in your purse when no one is looking because bite-size quiches are one part egg and seven parts amazing.

But aside from the occasional mini quiches, those types of parties are the kinds of events that make me wish the Y chromosome had won out over the X chromosome.

Of course, the most common parties like this are bridal showers and baby showers. I made up a quick poll and the average woman attends 763 bridal showers between the ages of 20 and 35. Then those friends start having babies and then more babies and so the average woman attends 1,259 baby showers. She only actually cares about two-thirds of the women being honored at these parties and the others are just attended out of obligation or because she had a 20 percent coupon for Bed, Bath & Beyond.

And even when she attends the party for someone she cares about, she’d still prefer if the party were less like a commercial on Lifetime and more like a party men throw (Which almost always involve pancakes, video games or guns. Why do men always have pancake breakfasts and women insist on cucumber sandwiches?)

Women be crazy

What makes these parties so excruciating, you ask? I’ll tell you.

1. The food: As stated before, these shindigs usually have bite-sized food because it makes women feel dainty and fancy. I say no. I don’t want to feel dainty and fancy unless there’s a gala involved and I get to buy a new, sparkly dress. Otherwise, give me a full-size sandwich. And if you want to have a side salad, that’s fine, but there had better be something with cheese as a main ingredient as well.

2. The drinks: Punch may have a violent name, but it is the wussiest of all the beverages. First, what’s so wrong with serving everyday drinks? Put an umbrella in the cup if you want to make it special. But please, oh please, do not give me a punch cup. Call me crazy, but I want more than three swallows before I have to go back for more.

2. The gifts: I don’t mind buying gifts as long as you keep in mind that my name is not Tiffany McMoneybags. The part that causes me to question Western civilization is when we sit around for an hour and watch the guest of honor open up every single gift. Every. Gift. You know what, I’m glad you got those towels, but do I really need to be here for this?

3. The games: Just don’t do it. We’re all adults here and there is no need to make me taste baby food or wrap someone in toilet paper. And unless that prize bag you’re holding contains a remote for activating a trap door to freedom, just keep it to yourself.

Am I the only woman who feels this way? Surely not. Please relieve my conscience and tell me I’m not an unfeeling wench for disliking baby showers and bridal showers.

P.S. If you’re my friend and you’re wondering if I was thinking about all this while attending your party, I probably wasn’t. Most likely I was busy judging the women who put their gifts in bags instead of wrapping them in gift wrap.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. December 13, 2011 6:00 pm

    Of course you’re not Tiffany McMoneybags, that would imply you were of Scottish descent. Oh wait, are you?

    • dtdorrin permalink*
      December 13, 2011 8:41 pm

      I am, in fact, Scottish! But not the McMoneybags clan, unfortunately.

  2. December 13, 2011 8:01 pm

    I can’t say I agree with all of this, but I do feel your pain. And punch cups should be outlawed. I’ll drink punch, but I’m going to need a real cup.
    The best/worst part about gift-giving is the registry + watching all the gifts being opened. Everyone has seen the registry. The bride/mom-to-be picked out stuff herself. There is no need to ooh and ahh over every set of silverware and every burp-cloth. There is also no need to fake surprise as the gift recipient.
    I do love a good bite-size quiche, though.

    • dtdorrin permalink*
      December 13, 2011 8:42 pm

      Yes! The fake surprise gets pretty exhausting. Now I want quiche…

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